When I forced my buddy, Art, to steal this movie from relatives, l didn't realize that it represented the single greatest feat in cinematic history.
Here's the actual plot of Robot in the Family:
A Turkish antique dealer with a large family builds a new home security robot in the form of a robot called Golddigger (seriously). This security robot also has the added ability to detect gold remotely somehow. I believe this is an offshoot of some sort of Egyptian wizardry.
The Turkish guy lives next door to another antique dealer; also the two antique dealers own shops right next door to each other miles away in the heart of the city. You can't make this shit up.
The parts of the plot that are responsible for the action in the movie are as follows: Someone steals a very valuable gold helmet and someone else steals a gold statue. Also there is another statue that someone makes a copy of to hide the gold helmet in. The poor Turkish guy (who lives in a mansion, but can't pay any bills) buys the reproduction statue for $125,000 and it gets stolen by the other antique dealer in plain view of the guy who loaded it into his car. The gold statue fades into unimportance while the bad antique dealer threatens to dip the good guy and his son in some molten gold. Also the helmet is in the fake statue, and he drops it into the gold after breaking the head off.
Later Golddigger tells everyone that the statue head has gold in it, but no one believes him, even though he's a robot specifically designed to detect gold. And he's also a security robot.
Sometimes Golddigger has to find the Turkish guy's car which is solar powered and catches on fire when it rains. Also Golddigger always says things. Often what he says has nothing to do with the situation at hand. The only explanation is that rather than try to program and synthesize a human-like voice with intelligent response mechanisms the Turkish guy just slapped an 8-track in Golddigger and put it on loop mode, and all of the times when it sounds like he's holding a conversation are merely coincidence.
Okay, back to plot. There's this doctor that specializes in making casts and he is obsessed with helmets. Guess who wants the golden helmet! Also, the doctor and the bad guy are friends and have a lot of meetings. Fortunately, every time they meet, the Turkish guy's son is there with his CIA-grade listening equipment so he can always tell his dad where to go next.
Well, that's pretty much the whole movie. I won't ruin the ending for you.
Now to discuss the philosophical ramifications of the movie. At one point Golddigger is wondering the city aimlessly in search of the stolen solar powered car. This reminds me of the biblical story of Jesus; you know, when he was looking for his solar car. Golddigger walks by a guy selling little robot toys which become sentient and follow Golddigger around much like the disciples of Jesus Christ. Along the way they attack a city employee, again, like Jesus; and Golddigger heals a blind man using electricity.
It's hard to find fault with this movie, but here's a short list of gripes:
- Characters
- Plot
- Script
- Special Effects
- Regular Effects
- Directing
I wouldn't have so many problems with the movie if it weren't for one nagging issue: "Golddigger is a security robot designed to detect gold." That's like building a can opener that can open cans but is designed to test the impedance of spark plug wires on red Japanese cars manufactured before 1989.
Also, why do antique dealers live, travel, and set-up-shop in flocks?!
Who wrote this movie and actually said: "Yeah, this is great; next Golddigger can try to find the solar car, and little robots will follow him around and... OH MY GOSH! he could heal a blind guy with electricity! This is going to be the greatest movie ever! Now I just need a hapless but lovable middle-aged Turkish man and figure out how to fit him into the script."? I'm sure it was right after he took a hit off of his crack pipe, and finished his cold Spaghetti-O's in his parents' basement.
Here are some things the writer of this movie may have said:
- "What features would I want in a robot? Well, it would have to be able to keep me safe; like a security robot. Also, I would want it to be able to detect gold!"
- "Hmm, a poor Turkish antique dealer; obviously his house should be epic in size, and instead of keeping their belongings indoors, they could be strewn about the lawn! Oh, those crazy Turks."
- "This story needs more suspense... maybe at the end the bank could repossess his house. Hmm, that's a very abstract thought. I know! A single person could arrive in a limousine to repossess the house. To illustrate the operation the driver of the limo could put a large chain with a lock around the entire house. Also, the limo driver could try to collect all of their belongings and put them in the trunk of the limo. This movie is awesome!"
- "Hmm, what other kinds of bills does this guy need to pay? Obviously he has to pay continually for the use of his own septic tank. Yes; it's all coming together now."
See this movie; I rate it: